Some getting ready to celebrate PRC National Day, and here, I panic.

It never rains but pours. Seriously.

How do I take it all in my stride, and come out of it intact... looking for a way, but can't seem to find any. Escape is good for a while, but it's just back to the same old shit after that...

I am not enjoying the process... and I have no idea what the conclusion is going to be... I just know that I'm freaking out, majorly.

There have been rough times over the past couple of years, but those at least I had a choice to walk away from, if I had chosen to. And I stayed because I more or less had faith that I would pull through. This, I made a conscious choice to dive, knowing that I cannot back out once the decision has been made. Once I dive into the deep end, I have to find my way to the shore. And this time, no one can help me... others can only watch while I struggle to find my way to shore...

Shadows, shadows... hanging over me... I can't sleep well, I get edgy, I can't relax. Because I don't want to go through this process again, having failed the first time. The only consolation I get is that this is not a "do or die" thing... at least there is an option to try again, if I don't make it this time. But I *really* don't want to.

*ARGH*

12.50am

Wide awake, can't sleep. Must be an age thing catching up on me... sleep has never been an issue till now. Not entirely late, but not really early now either. Sigh.

What do I want to say here this sleepless night... seem to have run out of words, even though the mind is still churning out a million and one thoughts. As far as I'm concerned, as as much as I wished things didn't happen this way, I'm seeing too much irony to make any sense of it. Nothing is constant, and with every second things are changing. A lot of the changes I'm seeing now are not ones that are going down well with me. All the "what ifs" coming back and hitting me... but I'm powerless to change anything now.

Once, everything held so much promise... there is nothing left for me now. Very little, if not nothing. Wishing things were somehow different... somehow better. I envy everyone else but me. Where is my perfect life, my happy ending?

Nothing but a waiting game... I don't even know what I'm waiting for. What a mess.

2.55am

There's a place I want to be, in the bubble world that I used to know, but I am not there.

8.15pm

"No more talk of darkness
Forget these wide-eyed fears
I'm here, nothing can harm you
My words will warm and calm you

Let me be your freedom
Let daylight dry your tears
I'm here, with you, beside you
To guard you and to guide you

Say you'll love me every waking moment
Turn my head with talk of summer time
Say you need me with you now and always
Promise me that all you say is true
That's all I ask of you

Let me be your shelter
Let me be your light
You're safe, no one will find you
Your fears are far behind you

All I want is freedom
A world with no more night
And you, always beside me
To hold me and to hide me

Then say you'll share with me one love, one lifetime
Let me lead you from your solitude
Say you need me with you here, beside you
Anywhere you go, let me go too
Christine, that's all I ask of you

Say you'll share with me one love, one lifetime
Say the word and I will follow you"

("All I Ask of You", Phantom of the Opera)

11.17pm

Surreal is the word. I could never have imagined.

5.50pm.